It wasn't me! - children lying
Learning about the truth | Imaginary friends | Other reasons why children lie | What parents can do
When children don't tell the truth it can be very worrying for parents. It is easy to become upset about the lie and to overlook what it means to the child. There are many reasons why children may not tell the truth. Almost everyone tells lies from time to time for a variety of reasons, from avoiding hurting someone else's feelings to getting out of an awkward situation. It is important to understand the reasons why a child might lie before you react.
Learning about the truth
These ages are only guides - it depends on the child's individual rate of development.
- Children under three years or so do not understand that thinking is private. They believe that their parents can read their minds.
- A two year old in a shop may say "Why did you lose me, Mummy?" because they think that their mother knows where they are even when she is out of sight. Telling lies has no meaning for under threes.
- Three to four year olds are learning that other people don't know what they are thinking. Children of this age enjoy practising their new knowledge and skills so they test it out by telling "stories" for example: "The big bad wolf did it." It is normal for young children to lie, blame someone else or make up a story.
- Children in the early years of school usually want to please their parents more than they want to do the "right thing". Children of this age are not likely to tell the truth if they think it will make their parents cross. It is better not to ask them whether they did something than risk them lying. For example rather than saying "Did you spill the milk?" you could say "I see there has been an accident with the milk, let's get a cloth and I'll help you clean it up".
- By eight or nine children also have some understanding of the difference between the truth and fantasy. The child's sense of right and wrong usually develops by about nine or 10 years of age.
- Older children and especially adolescents have a need to keep some parts of their lives private and not share them with parents. If parents ask too many questions, the older child or adolescent may lie to protect this privacy.
Imaginary friends
Some children at about three or four have an imaginary friend. They talk to and play with this friend when they are upset and sometimes blame the friend when they do something wrong. This is part of normal growing up and usually disappears as the child grows older.
There is no need for concern unless the child seems really withdrawn and unable to get on with other children and adults. You can help by seeing that your child has lots of playtime for fun and enjoyment.
Other reasons why children lie
- Fear of punishment or fear of losing their parents' affection.
- Having low self-esteem and wanting to make themselves sound better.
- They are young for their age and have not yet understood the difference between truth and fantasy.
- To impress their friends and be accepted in the group.
- Sometimes that is how it really seems - they believe that what they are saying is true.
- Copying other people in the family who tell lies. Parents might say that lying is wrong but not always tell the truth themselves. For example, when someone is at the door and a parent says to the child: "Tell them I am not at home."
- Adolescents may tell lies because of their strong need for independence. They may be afraid that if they tell the truth they will not be allowed to do something they really want to do.
What parents can do
- If you think your child is afraid of punishment, talk with them about other ways that you will deal with mistakes so that they know they need not be afraid to be honest.
- For younger children, teach the difference between truth and fantasy for example: "That was a good story" or "I can see you make up lovely stories, perhaps we can write them down to keep."
- Show your child that you understand that some lies are wishes. For example, if a child says that their dad is ringing them up all the time and you know this is not so, you could say "It sounds like you wish Daddy could be here all the time."
- Try not to get into a battle about telling the truth.
- Teach children why it is important to tell the truth for example: "When people tell us the truth it helps us to trust them."
- Don't label the child 'a liar' because labels tend to encourage the kind of behaviour that you don't want.
- Notice when children tell the truth and let them know that you are pleased.
- Give adolescents and older children some personal privacy. Ask what you need to know about to protect them, but don't pry too much. Often your teenagers will talk to you when the time is right and they feel you will listen without judging.
Important note: If children are continually lying for any reason or if they are unable to accept the truth when it is presented in a caring way, it would be wise to seek some counselling. Please refer to the contact numbers shown below.
Last updated: 20 June 2008.