Helping kids to be positive
What is optimism? | How do children develop optimism? | Why is optimism important? | Pessimism | What parents can do
So much depends on the way you look at life. Helping your child look on the bright side of life is a step towards preparing your child for a strong future.
What is optimism?
Optimism is being able to expect the best out of life's experiences. Being able to look on the bright side helps all of us to get on top of challenges and manage life's difficulties. It means having hope and a strong belief and confidence to deal with situations.
The building blocks of optimism include:
- having a go
- practising
- coming to terms with success and failure
- planning for the best outcome
- having the belief and confidence to try again.
How do children develop optimism?
Some children are born with a 'sunny disposition' and a natural ability that lends itself to dealing with challenges and solving problems.
Other children may struggle to overcome difficulties, often expecting the worst to occur (making mountains out of molehills).
As children grow and develop they need as many opportunities as possible to experience success. Every time children achieve something they set out to do they start to develop a belief that they can go on trying and have more successes.
'Self talk' is what we say to ourselves to explain the things that happen through the day. When children can say to themselves that they can do something, they are more likely to succeed.
The way that adults think about and talk about their experiences are very powerful in shaping a child's beliefs about why success or failure might happen.
If we were to share our thoughts (our self talk) out loud, an optimist might be saying something like, "I was just saying to myself that most of the time when you allow enough time and really try hard with your maths homework you get good results", rather than "You never allow yourself enough time and you never try hard enough with your maths homework."
Why is optimism important?
If children believe they can succeed, they are more likely to give things a go. Optimists refuse to feel helpless and don't give up when faced with seemingly impossible problems.
They expect to succeed, believe in themselves and remain positive. Optimists are less likely to suffer from depression. Optimists are more likely to recognise and think about their past signs of successes and what they did to succeed.
The more optimistic children are, the more able they are to succeed and have a sense of the future and of being able to make friends and learn at school. Optimistic thinking words can be - maybe, sometimes, usually, possibly, perhaps.
Pessimism
Pessimists are people who feel down and helpless and, to them, everything seems too big and too hard to fix. There is often a sense of despair and hopelessness . . . looking on the worst side of the situation.
A tendency to make 'mountains out of molehills' means people can think problems are impossible and give up before even trying.
Pessimism gets worse with each set-back and soon becomes 'self-fulfilling'. For example, "Every time I try to throw a goal I miss anyway so I may as well not try anymore and not even go to practice. I never get picked for the team anyway."
Pessimists are more likely to give in to helplessness and are at a greater risk of developing depression.
Pessimistic thinking words can be - always, never, should, can't.
Special note. The world is not always bright and happy and bad things sometimes occur. Children need our help in learning how to weigh up situations realistically so that they can make safe decisions. It can be appropriate for children not to attempt a task if they determine that they are likely to be hurt. This is not being pessimistic.
What parents can do
- Be a good role model - Let your children hear your 'self talk' and share your positive thoughts with them.
- Teach your child to make realistic appraisals. "I'm hopeless at maths" would give you the opportunity to ask, "Tell me what you can do well." After discussing the positives, look at ways of improving the maths and talk about personal best rather than having to win all the time.
- 'Talk it again'. - Say things or use different words to make more positive sense out of a situation.
Child: "I never have anyone to play with."
Parent: "Sometimes it's hard to find a friend, but last week you had a good time with Mary."
- Tell their own stories of overcoming hardships - "When I was at school I thought . . . but then I realised . . ."
- Use stories/videos of characters who overcome the odds to inspire children:
- The Karate Kid
- The Lion King
- Free Willy
- Draw your child's attention to media and highlight public figures who have overcome hardship e.g. sporting celebrities who have a disability.
- Give encouragement - what were the thoughts that popped into your head when you thought you were losing that tennis game? How did your thoughts change to enable you to change from losing to winning? Help your children catch their helpful and unhelpful thoughts and stick with the helpful ones.
- Remember some of the old sayings: 'If at first you don't succeed.' 'There's no such word as can't.' 'Every cloud has a silver lining.'
Last updated: 20 June 2008.